The Internal Strength To Break Free of Spiritual Abuse

I have written in the past about church and religious leaders using their so-called spiritual authority to control people in their churches. Attempts to control other people is the number one problem in religious organizations. It's called spiritual abuse.

Spiritual abuse isn't pretty. The abuse is done "in the name of the Lord," and for that reason, this kind of abuse has subtle but enormous power. The religious abuser who controls and manipulates others for personal or institutional advantage proclaims his words and actions are "the will of God." 

Spiritual abuse, regardless of the religion where it occurs, is a profound problem. So how does one break free? Whether you are the spiritual abuse or the spiritually abused, how do you stop it?

Imitate Jesus.

Jesus never pressured anyone to follow Him. His words, "Come, follow Me" (Mark 10:21) form a selfless invitation, not a strategic manipulation. Followers of Christ always benefit when they accept the invitation to follow, but Christ is unaffected and unchanged whether the call is received or not.

There is no need for Jesus to coerce, manipulate or control others to follow Him because Jesus doesn't need people to follow Him to feel worthy, significant and valued. Jesus is worthy, significant and valuable in Himself.

More importantly, our Lord knows and feels His worth and significance. He doesn't need others to follow Him to feel worthy. He doesn't He doesn't need to know that other people value His words to feel significant.

He does what He does for others, not Himself. 

That's why Jesus never manipulates or controls anyone. What Jesus does is purely selfless. He is without need internally. 

Jesus wins us over by His love and inner strength. He finds fulfillment in who He is, not what others think of Him. Our rejection of Jesus' call to follow Him does not reduce His worth. That's why Jesus does not manipulate or coerce others. He has nothing to gain for Himself. 

We need that same kind of internal strength to break free of spiritual abuse. 

Christ can give us the internal strength needed to live life the way He lives it (John 10:10). He came to give us our value, our significance and our worth through a demonstration of His love for us and the depositing of real life within us.

When Jesus becomes our primary Source of life, we do not need alternative sources of life. When we are complete in Him, we don't need anything from others. 

When the love of Christ becomes my primary source of love, then my life is not threatened by the absence or withdrawal of another person's love.

When the significance I feel in life comes from knowing how much Christ values me, then I don't need to manipulate my circumstances or control my environment to ensure other people value me. 

When I begin to understand that what makes me honorable as a person is the honor I have in God coming and dying for me, then I don't worry too much whether or not people around me see me as honorable. 

When I begin to see that my reputation is all about what He thinks of me (and what He thinks of me must be pretty doggone good to do what He's done for me), then I don't care what others think of me.

When He is my Source, I don't panic at the lack of alternative sources.

So next time you find yourself being manipulated, controlled, or bullied, as yourself, "What does that person need?"  Answer: The internal life and strength that only Christ can give. As long as the abuser, manipulator, or controller thinks I can do something to make him more fulfilled, then he will continue to squeeze the life he needs out of me. 

Likewise, if I find myself getting angry with an unexpected response from others, or feeling worried about what others are doing, or fearful and depressed that people aren't responding properly to me, then I must ask myself: What am I needing? 

Answer: I wrongly believe I need something that God always has provided for me. "My God shall supply ALL your needs according to His riches" (Philippians 4:19).

Controllers and manipulators always need something. 

And, no matter how good and godly anybody tries to make it sound, controlling and manipulating other people to say, do, feel or be a certain way is evidence that there is a great void in the inner life.

That void can only be filled with the life and strength that comes from knowing Christ.

For this reason, to give in to abusive behavior in a religious environment - even if the abuse is in the name of God - is to enable the manipulator to continue finding his life in secondary sources rather than Christ.

God needs nothing from me and neither should the preacher. 

To give in or to give up is the most unloving thing you could ever do for the manipulator in your life.

______________

My friend Jeff VanVonderen once told me that his and David Johnson's book The Subtle Power of Spiritual Abuse is by far the best-selling book of all the books they've written.  I highly encourage the reader to purchase this book. Also, it is our privilege at Emmanuel Enid to host both David Johnson and Jeff VanVonderen November 11-14, 2018 for a conference entitled Too Good to Be True...But It Is. If you are anywhere near Enid, you will want to hear these two each evening from 6:00 pm to 8:00 pm (2 sessions each night).