The best one word description for this servant-like attitude of "regarding another as more important" is the word submission. To be a submissive person is to be like the bond-slave Jesus Christ became for us. The Bible is emphatic that all Christians, both males and females, are to be characterized by love and submission to other people.
Paul describes this Spirit-filled life of believers in Ephesians 5 where he writes- "and walk in love, just as Christ also has loved you..." (v. 2) and then he writes, "and be submissive to one another in the fear of Christ" (v. 21). Again, these two characteristics of the Spirit-filled life (love and submission) are mandatory regardless of gender. Paul illustrates how love and submission works in the husband/wife relationship in the rest of chapter 5. "Wives to your own husbands" (v. 22) is what Paul literally writes. Unfortunately, English translators add the words "be subject" after the word wives. Why do our English translators leave off "love?" Paul is writing about love AND submission, and when he writes "wives to your husbands" the emphasis is "Wives, be submissive and loving to your husbands." Likewise, later Paul "so husbands to wives" (v. 28). Again, the English translation picks up on the word "love" for husbands, but in the context of mutual love and mutual submission (v. 2 and v. 21), husbands are to express a love and a servant-like spirit of submission to their wives. It may sound strange to your ears to hear that the Bible says a husband is to be submissive to his wife, but it wasn't strange to Paul's ears. This is the teaching of the New Covenant. To say that a husband is to have a submissive attitude toward his wife is as correct as saying that a wife is to love her husband. No gender, whether male or female, is to leave off either submission or love in human relationships.
Because the Scripture teaches mutual servant-like submission and unconditional love for both the husband and the wife, some Christians who are unfamiliar with Scripture-- but who have been indoctrinated with institutional church dogmatism about "authority"-- may be confused. "How will a married couple ever make a decision if nobody is the boss and everybody has an attitude of servant-like submission and unconditional love?" they might ask.
Great question. Here is how a Spirit-filled couple makes a decision in marriage.
(1). Both the husband and wife are able to freely give their opinions and express disagreement because the husband considers his wife "more important" than himself and the wife views her husband "more important" than herself, so each desires to hear what the other person has to say.
(2). The husband listens to his wife and the wife listens to her husband because there is reciprocal love and respect for one another. This love and respect is the same kind of love and respect that the husband and wife have both experienced from Jesus Christ.
(3). If unity of desire and mutual agreement for the proper course of action cannot be found, then the couple mutually agrees to wait on making a decision. They that wait upon the Lord shall be renewed in strength. During this time of waiting, the husband asks God for wisdom and discernment for himself, and the wife asks God for wisdom and discernment for herself.
(4). After waiting, when the deadline for a decision approaches, the husband--in a spirit of love and submission toward his wife--will either be led by the Holy Spirit to begin having the same desires as his wife, OR, the wife--in a spirit of love and submission toward her husband will be led by the Holy Spirit to begin having the same desires as her husband. Two Christians living together are to honor God by living in harmony with one another. That’s not to say that that the husband and wife are to be the same; harmony recognizes the beauty of differences, and incorporates those differences into a beautiful melody. Mutual submission is the art of hearing from God.
(5). In a Christ-honoring marriage, no person sees himself (or herself) as the "authority" in the home. Jesus Christ has "all authority" (Matt. 28:18), and a marriage that honors God is one where both the husband and the wife look to Christ alone as their authority. Decision making is made with a spirit of mutual submission and love, leaning on Christ to produce unity of hearts and minds.For anyone married to an unbeliever, this process of coming to unity in decision making may be a tad harder. This is why the New Covenant writers issue a caution about being unequally yoked. However, when two followers of Jesus Christ are married, it is important to remember that Scripture clearly teaches submission is never the wife's responsibility to the exclusion of the husband's, nor is love the responsibility of the husband's to the exclusion of the wife's. A Spirit-filled, Christ-honoring, God-glorifying marriage is one of mutual submission and love.
25 comments:
I will post this until the cows come home....or until this truth changes hearts!!
THANK YOU!
Thank you for your wise words, Wade! I pray that married couples will heed your advice.
What you wrote is absolutely true.
I am a life time member of "The Chick Flic Club for Men" as my wife and I alternate choosing a movie to watch, we both learn things that way.
There are many ways to "break ties" that honor both spouses.
My precious husband and I will celebrate our 39th anniversary in a couple weeks and this is the way we have dealt with differences through the years. When two believers purpose to walk in the Spirit, loving and submitting to one another, as well as practicing ALL the one anthers, harmony is the organic response! Thank you for being a faithful preacher and teacher of the Word, Wade!
No disrespect intended in this question, but your post brought this to mind. I love that you believe in mutual submission in marriage, but haven't I heard you encouraging men to be leaders in the home, prayer, etc.? If so, it seems to contradict mutual submission principle.
That aside, the post was spot on...especially the thoughts about decision making. The art of negotiating is a valuable tool everyone should learn. Deferring to one another at times also reflects respect for each person's perspectives.
Thanks for a very much appreciated post, Wade!
Mary Ann
@ Victorious - I believe husbands are to be leaders in their homes, and so are wives. They can lead the children and manage the home as co-leaders, while still being submissive to one another.
Also, both a husband and a wife can lead in prayer. Why not? First one leads, then the other. They can also allow their older children to learn what leading in prayer is like.
The problem is when there is a false dichotomy so that leadership and mutual submission can't go together. That's when you get either the man or the woman acting like one of the children and putting all the responsibility on the other partner. And that's one way to be unequally yoked!
Victorious,
What Kristen said.
Amen.
That Mom, Don, Wanda and Pege,
Amen to each and every one of you!
Wade, this is beautiful! Thank you!
There is one thing I wanted to highlight regarding "when the deadline for a decision approaches." My husband and I have been married for 33 years and there has NEVER been a "deadline" that was more important than our unity as husband and wife. If we haven't got things figured out "in time", in a way that satisfies BOTH of us, our default response is to make NO decision until God brings us into unity.
I love the quote of Nicolas Cage from "Family Man" when he recognizes that his wife is more important to him than any decision-making-process: "I choose us."
Anne,
Loved your comment! After 25 years of marriage, I can say the same about my husband and me.
I believe the complementarian camp puts way too much emphasis on the husband having the tie-breaking vote.
I recently saw "Family Man" and loved that line "I choose us", as you pointed out.
Kristen, thank you for your reply to my comment.
May I ask when was the last time you heard a sermon encouraging wives to “step up” and become the leader God meant her to be? Or encourage her to lead in church or family? Or even the term “co-leaders” in the family?
Whereas Wade has carefully worded the husbands submission as an “attitude” or “spirit” of submission, the wife's submission is most always presented as a concrete, active, performance-type submission “under” the leadership of her husband. That submission is presented as obedience and/or following him and never as the other way around. So while mutual sounds nice, in reality it's still an ethereal concept until we stop relegating women/wives to parentheses. And while we carefully avoid using the word “authority” relative to the husband, the term “leader” continues to embody authority whether it's overtly spoken or not. And certainly authority in leadership is rarely met with resistance by husbands.
Until we hear mutual submission and “co-leadership” from pulpits across the country, I must (begrudgingly) agree with John Piper that the Bible has a masculine feel.
Victorious,
You are one smart gal. I would offer that the Bible, from my perspective, has a God feel to it, and God has both masculine AND feminine attributes for only when the male AND female are considered together does one have the full-orbed image of God. God is Spirit and is neither male nor female, but both men and women are created in His image. "You have been born from me from my womb and carried by me from birth" (Isaiah 45:3). As John Calvin commented, "God sometimes represents himself as a woman and we are the fruit of his womb." When Piper says the Bible has a masculine feel, that is more his misunderstanding and misinterpretation of God and His Word.
@Victorious: So "the Pulpit" is now our source of authority, and has final say in matters of faith and practice? I think not. Does not the Bible teach us to judge what comes from the pulpit by the Word of God?
Yes it does. "The Pulpit" has been wrong many times throughout history. The Bible never has been.
Hi Greg,
While the pulpit is certainly not the only venue from which the Word is transmitted, we can't deny that it is the primary vehicle for interpreting the Word for millions of Christians who, for whatever reason, accept the transmission as gospel truth. That transference translates into absorption in the soul and mind of the hearers especially when it elevates one to a position that appeals to the flesh nature. At the same time it has a detrimental effect on others.
Whether or not it should be that way, the fact remains it is.
So I ask you the same question I posed to Kristen. How many times have you heard a sermon encouraging women/wives to step up and become leaders?
Victorious: I agree that unfortunately for most Christians the pulpit is the final word and much like the Roman Catholic church in Martin Luther's time when it comes to forming their doctrine. They sometimes behave as though we have no personal Bible. The Bible is clear however that we are to individually be discerning. Getting people to do this is difficult, Baptists are especially hard headed on this one.
"Be diligent to present yourself approved to God as a workman who does not need to be ashamed, accurately handling the word of truth." 2 Timothy 2:15
" Now these were more noble-minded than those in Thessalonica, for they received the word with great eagerness, examining the Scriptures daily to see whether these things were so." Acts 17:11
Victoria,
My answer, sadly, is "never." But I do believe the failure is in the preachers.
Wade,
53 years of marriage have taught me the reality of which you speak.
Sadly, coming from the male focused, authoritarian model of family, as well as church life, it took me far too long to have my eyes opened.
Men could save themselves a lot of heartache and personal pain if they would learn the truth of which you speak, which I maintain is according to Scripture.
I am truly grateful to God for giving me a very precious, and patient wife!
Thank you so much for this. I get so weary of reading about submission, headship, male leadership, etc. The "spin" many Christians put on those verses just doesn't seem to match up with Christ's treatment of women.
I often defer to my husband, not because he is my "head" but because I love him and value him and try to put him first. Also, he has many good ideas! And he does the same for me. It works very nicely.
This is how the latter years of my marriage has been and it's been much better than before, when we functioned as " the husband has the final say" types. I have been married to a wonderful, kind , loving man for 27 years and we would not have it any other way.
God made Eve from a rib, but some preachers preach as if He used a toe bone.
I like the song, “You are the wind beneath my wings”, and it doesn’t matter if a woman or man sings it. That’s what marriage is about.
When we retired to the farm, our SS director announced he had bad and good news. Said, “We’re loosing Belle, but she’s taking Rex with her.”
I’ve wondered why God made animals male and female except man. Did He want to show Adam what life was without Eve so Adam would love Him/her more?
I know from experience that 55 years is not enough. I like the translation of the Living Bible: “It isn’t good for man to be alone; I will make a companion for him…” (Genesis 2:18) Companion is most important in marriage.
I have a problem with Paul writing: “But if they can’t control themselves, they should go ahead and marry. It’s better to marry than to burn with lust.” (1 Corinthians 7:9)
Paul seems to think marriage is nothing but sex; this scripture shows nothing about love and companionship.
A marriage as a 'shared' journey is for better or for worse.
For some, for many, it is 'cherishing' that makes that journey even possible at all in the worst of times.
Below is an account of the strength of a husband's cherishing during the Irish Famine of 1847:
"Quarantine" by Eavan Boland
In the worst hour of the worst season of the worst year of a whole people,
a man set out from the workhouse with his wife.
He was walking – they were both walking – north.
She was sick with famine fever and could not keep up. He lifted her and put her on his back.
He walked like that west and west and north. Until at nightfall under freezing stars they arrived.
In the morning they were both found dead.
Of cold.
Of hunger.
Of the toxins of a whole history.
But her feet were held against his breastbone.
The last heat of his flesh was his last gift to her.
Let no love poem ever come to this threshold. There is no place here for the inexact praise of the easy graces and sensuality of the body.
There is only time for this merciless inventory:
Their death together in the winter of 1847.
Also what they suffered.
How they lived.
And what there is between a man and woman."
My husband and I spent 20 years in a church which promoted the authority of the husband in the family. We followed men we believed were godly and wise. They led us to merge with another church which was in fact a cult (we didn't know it at the time). This church not only promoted the authority of husbands, but of all men. Anything that went wrong with the family was the wife's fault because she wasn't submitted. Everything from a child's autism to a wife's need for a hysterectomy. (sp?)
We left 10 years ago, and have spent that time recovering from the shipwreck our lives became. For many years I tried to get my husband to see that what was going on in that place was wicked, but he kept saying it was God's will we stay there. So we stayed. I see now that if I had had the courage of my convictions and stood up and spoken with integrity and boldness, he would in the end have realised he was wrong.
Now of course, we don't live like that. In fact, we have now come to a wonderful place where when making a decision if one of us feels uncomfortable about it we won't go ahead. This works every time. When we both feel at ease we can go ahead and it always ends up being God's will for this to happen. This works for everything from buying a bed to deciding where to live.
We have learned an extremely hard and costly lesson and hopefully our children will have learned from our mistakes not to treat any future partners with disrespect, but together to seek the mind of the Lord.
Romans 12:2 has been our greatest lesson during this time. Don't be conformed to the world (seek ye first the kingdom of God), be transformed by the renewing of your mind (have the mind of Christ), and you will know the will of God for your life in all things. Obviously a paraphrase, but a huge lesson for both of us.
Thankyou for this blog, the internet has been a huge asset for us in the last 10 years. Through it, we have been able to read, learn, relearn and understand that there are many wise and humble and seeking and intelligent christians who want God's will in their lives and don't clamber over other christians in order to get it.
God bless you.
Wade,
You state that the original text of Eph 5:22 states "wives to your own husbands" and that it is the English translation which inserts "be subject." This just isn't true. The Greek is "gyne [wives] hypotasso [to subject one's self] idios [to one' own] aner [husbands]." The word "hypotasso" is the same word as stated in verse 21 ("submitting to one another"). It is also used 1 Peter 2 ("submit yourselves to every ordinance of man") and 1 Peter 5 ("submit yourself to your elders"). The Greek word for "love" in Eph 5:21 is "agape." This word is not in verse 22. Therefore it is the Greek that states wives are to submit to their husbands, but does not mention love in this verse. This makes more sense in context of verse 23 which states "the husband is head of the wife, as also Christ is head of the church." That verse would not make much sense if the husband is to submit to the wife (surely Christ is not to submit to the church). Likewise, verse 25 states, "aner [husbands] agapaos [love] heautou [your] gyne [wives]..." The word "submit" is not in the Greek, but "love" is. These verses are not license for men to dominate their wives as someone who is there just for the pleasure of their husbands. The picture is one similar to Christ and the church. Just as the church must choose to submit to Christ and is not forced by Christ, submission by wives is a choice made out of love and reverence (for God even more than her husband). The husband must love his wife to the point of laying down his life for her and making her needs his utmost concern as Christ did for us. That is not a conclusion drawn from a mistake in the English translation, but a study of the Greek.
The entire mutual submission ideology has nothing to do with the bible. Otherwise the body of the Church and member would be commanded to submit to wives who are commanded to submit to their husbands in everything.
Do we change the Word and remove protection of the wives; making them subject to their husbands in everything and the Church and others all at the same time?
Do we change the Word or the just the definitions of subjection (to heed authority) and sacrificial love (to provide when and what is needed); somehow merging the two? We would also have to change the Word or figure out how to get around the blasphemy part in Titus 2:4,5 and what to teach the young.
I guess we could no longer enjoy the GOD sanctioned Covenant of marriage; instilled in Grace. Do we still use the same word; marriage? I will miss that Grace. I guess we would have to change the definition of adultery then also or the wives would all have to be Nuns?
Anyone have any ideas of how to make all of this happen? I would kind of like to stick to GOD’s plan myself; seemed perfect to me. But I will go along with the crowd; we do have to please those with itchy ears (2 Timothy 4:3).
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