William Paul Young wrote The Shack as Christmas gift for his kids. He intended nobody else to read it, but a friend found it on the Young's kitchen countertop and picked it up to read. The rest is history.
Whitaker Chambers wrote the classic work Witness for his own children, but the entire western world has benefited from it.
Great literature springs from the heart of a parent who desires the best for his (or her) kids.
Great literature springs from the heart of a parent who desires the best for his (or her) kids.
Lindsey Murphy is a writer, educator, and musician who loves to explore the outworking of her faith through the creative arts. She was a contributor to the book Same Here, Sisterfriend and has written for the Engaging Motherhood and StoryWarren websites.
Lindsey lives in Birmingham, Alabama, and though she writes letters to her four children on her blog Life Abundantly, the wisdom and wit through her writing is classic. I would encourage all my readers to subscribe to her blog.
Lindsey's parents, Dale and Debbie Denton, are members of Emmanuel Enid, Oklahoma, where I serve. Debbie sent me Lindsey's most letter to her children, an engaging post designed to show her kids "how to engage this world in a winsome, powerful, and most of all, Christ-like way."
Read on for some superb advice from a mom to her kids with a great deal of wisdom for all us adults in 2020.
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Dear children,
Y’all fight. A LOT. I feel like I need a referee’s uniform and a whistle just to make it past breakfast most days. But I also know that this is good and appropriate for you to be wrestling with at home. See, I can’t in good conscience teach you NOT to fight. This world is scary and broken and confusing, and you’re going to have to throw some punches. So I want you to know how to engage this world in a winsome, powerful, and most of all, Christ-like way. There’s a lot of junk in our world right now that a few of you are just now waking up to. Sadly, there’s not many adults even who know how to engage it well. So as you lean into the yuck of this world and try to find your voice in it, here are my 10 commandments on how to argue well.
10. Know the differences between a fight, an argument, and a debate.
A fight is simply when people throw their feelings at each other. There’s no interest in understanding, compromising, or listening. Walk away from a fight. Every time. There are never any winners in this situation. Even if you “win” a fight, it’s likely the damage you have caused to the other person, and thus to your own personhood, has caused you loss. Walk away.
An argument is a disagreement that is hoping to reach a conclusion. I will say this loudly and repeatedly. Argue to resolve, not to win. RESOLUTION not VICTORY is your goal in an argument. A good argument requires a lot of listening, which we’ll cover in the 9th commandment.
A debate is more of a banter of ideas and is less personal than the first two. A debate is not necessarily seeking a conclusion or resolution, and is often for the benefit of the audience more than the debaters. A debate is an airing of ideas, and exploration of thoughts and logic. Think of it as a persuasive essay in speech form. Emotion, insults, and negativity have no room in a mature, responsible discourse.
9. Listen louder than you speak.
You’ve heard this already, yes? Add it to the throw pillow collection you’re going to curate for me in my old age. The Proverbs are full of references to listening. “If one gives an answer before he hears, it is his folly and shame.” “A fool takes no pleasure in understanding, but only in expressing his opinion.” “Make your ear attentive to wisdom and incline your heart to understanding.” Make sure you are truly listening and not just planning your response. Mirror back what you have heard the other person say. “I hear that you are frustrated because…” “I understand that you are fearful of…” Even if you don’t agree or understand, this practice will make the other person feel heard and validated, and will make them more receptive to what you have to say as well.
8. Avoid the use of “always” and “never.”
It’s simply not fair and usually not true. Also, love hopes all things, and giving such definite limits to a person’s behavior or character leaves you both bereft of hope that things can change.
7. Know when to walk away.
It’s ok to set boundaries. You see me do this a lot, don’t you? I’ll storm in a room and break up a fight, then go hide out for a while. This is my boundary saying that I’m not emotionally capable of engaging well right now. You have the right to say, “I can’t do this well right now, can we revisit this later?” or even “I don’t think I’m the person that needs to handle this with you right now.” It’s not a sign of weakness, it’s a sign of love to that other person. Want to know why your daddy and I don’t fight? It’s simple: because he won’t. It’s not because we’re both such super patient people (at least I’m not…). It’s because your daddy will not engage my emotion and angst until I am calm and until he’s prepared. I don’t know how many storms have blown over that man’s head, but he is wise not to throw lightning bolts into the mix. Make sure you hear and respect someone else’s boundaries. If someone says they need space, give it. Come together when you’re both ready to resolve (not win).
6. Stupid is as Stupid Does
Just because you don’t understand or agree, doesn’t mean the other person or idea is “stupid.” If your college roommate is passionate about underwater basket weaving, good for them. Move on. If someone else’s religion, politics, music choices, or lifestyle seems crazy to you, know that they arrived there through a complicated series of choices and influences. Each person you meet is a complicated, intricate Image of God. You don’t get to write them off as “stupid,” no matter how much you disagree.
5. Know the difference between thought and truth.
I will never ask you to bend the truth. I am raising you to believe in absolute truth in a post-postmodern age where everything is relative. There are absolutes woven into the very fabric of our beings, and I want you to recognize and be able to respectfully stick to them. That said, there are so.many.things. that we accept as “truth” that are simply cultural, experiential, and temporal thoughts. I loathe the phrases “know your truth” or “living my truth.” That is thinly veiled narcissism in which a person’s experiences become an absolute for their lives. If you want to be a vegetarian because you think eating meat is cruel, that is a choice that comes from a thought, not a truth. And you can disagree with people’s thoughts, and others can disagree with yours. It’s ok. Just remember Who ultimate truth is rooted in, and go back to the Source of His character and His Word. They never change. And as a wise man once said, “The truth is like a lion. You don’t have to defend it. Let it loose. It will defend itself.”
4. Be known by what you’re for, not against.
You’ll hear it said that good news doesn’t sell. That’s why the media is always showing us the worst of the world. That’s why scary, upsetting misfortunes are shared more rapidly than funny, happy stories. Similarly, so many people fly their flag over what they’re against, or overwhat they hate. But as believers, we need to be known as champions of goodness- as people who are “for” the good in the world. We can’t fight darkness if we’re not filled with light. For example, I love Classical Education. I love the Timeline approach. I love the literature. I love the learning style, the emphasis on rhetoric, and the inclusion of Latin. But this does not mean that I am against Public Education. (Praise the Lord that we live in a nation where education is accessible to anyone. Praise the Lord for the robotics labs, the chemistry rooms, and the band programs that add to our community.) But If I want to convince someone that they should give Classical Education a try, it would be far better to regale them with all the reasons I love it rather than shredding apart someone or something else. Being “for” something is much more winsome than constantly crashing down on someone else’s party. Are we to confront evil? Yes. But let us be known by our love. Love the good things, shine your light on a hill, and people will be much more drawn to what you admire than repulsed by what you despise.
3. War against Thoughts, not People.
First of all, be so careful not to put people in boxes or groups. Attacking a group of people will always cause defensiveness and is simply unkind and unfair. Don’t go spouting off about “The Democrats,” “The Republicans, “ The Catholics,” “The Feminists,” or “The Under-Water-Basket Weavers.” If you want to address something that represents a group of thought, keep your language impersonal. “I disagree with the Democrat’s policy on…” “I’m concerned with the Republican response to…” “I don’t understand the Catholic church’s stance on…” “I don’t support the Feminist movement to...” Know that each “group” or “body” in our culture, whether it’s a denomination, religion, political party, or movement is made up of complex and intricate image bearers. When you can, engage individuals and hear them thoughtfully. When you can’t, address the rhetoric, thoughts, policies, etc. of a group. Not the people.
2. Be kind or be quiet.
Again, another throw pillow in my future.
We don’t watch the news in the house for several reasons. First of all, because there’s content I don’t want you to be exposed to. But also, because I don’t want you watching grown adults rip each other apart just to prove who’s smarter, more informed, etc. Scripture tells us to speak the truth in love. I’m not asking you to cower or compromise, but you do need to check your motivations before you enter an argument. Are you wanting resolution? Do you have the other person’s best interest at heart (and not in a savior-complex way…)? I ask you children when you challenge me “do you want to help or do you just want to win?” Usually the answer you give is “I just want to win.” (Y’all are still so honest and haven’t learned how to be manipulative yet. Be still my soul.) Truth can be hard. Truth can be painful. But your job is not to convince or change. Your job is to hold a thought/action/attitude up to the light and let the Spirit do the rest.
1. There’s only one hill you need to die on.
I say it all the time: The Cross of Christ is the only line in the sand I will draw between myself and another person. It is the only line I will never step over. When Christ died for me, I died to myself, my own agendas, and my own opinions. My life is his, and my thoughts, will, and heart, should reflect his as well. My politics have changed, my tastes have evolved, and my theology has refocused and reformed. But the fact that He is who he says he is, and the beloved truth that I am his and he is mine is the one thing I will never step over. And in him, there is room to dance, to grow, to change. He is The Word made flesh, the real 10 Commandments fleshed out for us. He has won the final argument and is our advocate now and forevermore. Throw that grace wildly into the world. Fight with strength, with truth, and with love. But fight knowing that the Kingdom is secure and that life abundantly, that sweet gift, is ours to share.
Love,
Mom
Read more Letters to My Children from Lindsey Murphy at Life Abundantly